I had confirmation today that I am still scheduled for surgery on Friday.

I am ready for it now because my whole condition is just holding me and my family back. I need to go in to this and come out the other side so that I can live life again.

I still get up in the morning, I still do most of the things that I would normally do but it feels like I am outside of my body looking back in. Everything is a fog, a slow motion blur and the constant headaches mean I can’t think straight. It’s a strange feeling.

That’s why I need to get this done now…

I had already planned to do this in any case but these last few days I have actually started to write personal notes to my wife and my kids. These are personal messages that come from the heart. While the words came easy to me, the screaming ache in my heart while doing do, has been so emotional.

You see I don’t know for sure it is all going to be fine. I am hoping so, desperately so, as I am not ready otherwise but there is still some risk.

So I wanted to say in my notes all the positive things but I also felt I had to write the “just in case” and that is so hard to do.

I don’t want to upset them when I send these the day I go but I would forever regret not saying anything if my time is up.